Let Go

Yesterday, continued to be an amazing day. I don't know what changed in me, I don't know what happened..but it was just a good day.

After work, I did an hour yoga session with some co-workers. I've never really attended a "real" yoga class and usually do a few things on my Wii balance board but nothing like last night. It really relaxed me, I was able to think and focus. And oh my gosh, was it hard. My legs were shaking, my abs were shaking, it was just a great workout. At the end, we laid on our mats and we focused on relaxing every muscle. We were told to inhale "let" and exhale "go". I almost started crying...in the middle of everything, I swear to you, I almost lost it.

I hate this about me-but I tend to hold on to everything. Every little hurt or every little piece of negativity, I hold on to it. I've been holding on to so much, I didn't even realize how much it was affecting me. I wanted to cry about my job. I wanted to cry about not teaching. I wanted to cry because I honestly don't know what I want to do with my life anymore. I wanted to cry because of all the hurt my mom has caused me in the past and present. I wanted to cry because in the reality of it all, I have it so good but sometimes I feel like it's never enough. I wanted to cry because I miss my Nanny and it still hurts to think that she's gone, even though it's been over 3 years.

After the yoga session all I could tell my co-worker (who was teaching us) was that she did a great job. That's all I could get out. I didn't want to break down in the middle of everyone, so I just kept my mouth shut and pushed the tears away. I don't know when I became so afraid to cry. Maybe it's Steven. He never cries. And I don't want to look weak in front of him, so I hardly ever cry. That didn't used to be the case, but now it is. I feel guilty when I want to cry about Nanny. I feel like I should be over it by now. And I feel guilty when I want to cry about mom, because I don't want to cry about it, I just want to get over it. And the whole job thing...I know I should get out of here but I'm scared. I'm scared I'll just end up at another place like this and feel useless. I want to teach but now I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I've lost touch with my training, my old professors, people who could help me. I guess I'm just scared, is what it all comes down to. I'm tired of being scared.

This weekend I'm going to go and buy a book and I'm going to register to take a general ed test, so that I'll be certified to teach something other than music. I'm going to go to church for the first time in a while and Steve and I are going to start doing a Bible study together. I feel like it's time we did something like that. I'm ready. I'm ready to be scared, and to fight it. I'm ready to do something with myself. To feel like I'm making a difference. I'm ready to be happy. I'm tired of being in a place for 9 hours of my day, 5 days a week, where I don't feel appreciated and I don't feel like I fit in.

It's time to let go and I'm doing it. ::big sigh of relief::